I'm not sure where to begin this morning. I have had a couple hours to myself to really think about my life, past, present, and future. When I think about my past it's not a pretty picture. My childhood was pretty rough, but I don't have any anger or even negative feelings over the first 17 years of my life. Sometimes people just don't have the best circumstances. The anger and shame starts to seep in when I think about the decisions I have made since becoming an adult. The bad examples I displayed in front of my 1 year old. The crappy wife I was to my husband. The alcohol I consumed in my body so often because I thought it was fun. The kind of people I let myself get caught up in. Why did I make such shitty decisions? After everything I had been through with my own parents, why would I put myself on that kind of path to destruction? I really don't know. I don't think I will ever have an answer as to why I was constantly running away from my family to hang out with people who never cared one bit about me as a friend. I know that God has forgiven me. I think it is always hardest for us to forgive ourselves. So, I will say it, moving away from what I picture still as
our home is the best possible thing we could have ever done.
Let's skip ahead to the present. I have such a beautiful life, even though there are times when I don't always recognize it. I get so caught up in the little frustrations of my day. My home is never completely clean, no matter how hard I try to get it that way. My kids eat a lot of junk food, even when I attempt to force veggies down them. My husband and I never, ever get alone time. I think these are the things that most moms deal with from day to day. I feel like I grow a little every day. My children amaze me in the most unexpected ways. My husband proves his love for me through so many small gestures. I am growing in my Faith. I may not be perfect, but I am sure not who I used to be, and that is an accomplishment all in itself.
For our future, I want to be thankful ALL of the time, not just when things are going good in that moment. I will pray more and complain less. I will appreciate every moment I have with my children and husband, even when we are in the midst of total chaos. And I hope that one day we will be able to make it back home to be close to our family and true friends.
Enjoy this day.
